Are You Spiritually Bypassing?
Every once in a while, you hear a term that perfectly describes something you’ve experienced but didn’t have a name for. That’s how I felt when someone used the phrase “spiritual bypass,” coined by psychologist John Welwood in the 80s. He defined it as a “tendency to use spiritual ideas and practices to sidestep or avoid facing unresolved emotional issues, psychological wounds, and unfinished developmental tasks.”
Bypass is a trap for people who go to church a lot, read spiritual books, go on retreats, and have a regular spiritual practice. In other words, people like me—and if you’re reading a spiritual blog, maybe people like you. We bypassers tend to value transcendence over embodiment, ‘spirit’ over flesh, idealism over reality. We try and rise above the painful and chaotic experiences of life, because spiritually mature people aren’t supposed to struggle with all that. They’re somehow above it.
Authentic spirituality always says, Yes, go on that spiritual journey and find the part of you that belongs utterly to God—but never forget that you are just a regular man, an ordinary woman. You have deep needs for love and secure attachment. You have a selfish will. You have all kinds of hungers, and your sexual nature lies embedded in your body and soul (think of all the disgraced famous preachers and gurus who tried to “rise above” this). Real spirituality sees no split between body and spirit, sacred and profane. It doesn’t try to deny things like grief or anxiety or addiction or boredom. The path to freedom and joy lies through our very real human struggles, not in bypassing them.
I remember a man who once came to me for counseling, someone I knew to be a deep spiritual seeker. He was showing clear signs of depression, but when I probed that painful spot, he brushed it off with a little laugh. He wanted to talk about improving his prayer life, being more faithful in church attendance and signing up for a class we were offering at the moment. I wish I’d had the language then to say, “Have you ever heard of spiritual bypass?”
Today’s Question:
Are you spiritually bypassing?
Question #15 “What If I’ve Lost My Way?” comes Tuesday March 28.
Excellent article. As a full time marriage and family therapist who works with a lot of Christians, this spiritual bypassing is very difficult to break.
Thanks for that insight from a therapist, Asha.
I looked up “spiritual bypass” and in a list of its symptoms, I found two that apply to me: the tendency to say: “Everything happens for a purpose” and “You create your own happiness.”
It’s funny, in the past five years or so those two notions have been central to my life, a great relief, an antidote to self-pity and victim addiction.
But today you made me think. Maybe I need some balance. Have I gone too far? Am I medicating my pain or anger by a too-mechanical recitation of affirmations? Is there something in sadness I need to face before I wave it away?
This morning, as I sit with these issues, it’s another example of how your Lenten questions have served me in this season. Thank you, David.
I think you’re into it. It’s true, in one deep sense, that “everything happens for a reason.” But if you are using that mantra to avoid the pain of this moment, then it can be working against you. A friend was reminding me yesterday of the difference between pain and suffering—and we can endure pain without necessarily suffering. It’s that kind of ‘facing the painI’ I’m talking about. Not in a way that causes suffering.