Spare the Rod
Have you ever had to choose your own punishment?
Friend and writer Johnna Fredrickson shared a story a few weeks ago that I have not been able to forget.
“When I was a kid, two of my playmates were Linda and Brenda McDonald; they lived in the house across the street from me, and they both had a great sense of adventure that got them into trouble. I could always tell w
eir father who caught them in one of their misadventures because of the punishment they received. He sent them out into the back yard to pick the stick he would use for their spanking. Linda always picked the thinnest, greenest one she could find; Brenda always chose a fat, rotted one that was falling apart. Sticks chosen, they would sit on the back stairs to think about what they had done and wait for their father.
“It only took a few times for Linda and Brenda to realize that the outcome was always the same: their father would come outside, sit down with his daughters, then declare that he just didn’t have it in him to spank them. He’d give them a hug, ask them not to repeat whatever had gotten them into trouble in the first place, and tell them to go play.”
The father in that story reminds me of my Dad. He was not cut out for the executioner’s role, despite the fact that punishing—in his world back then—was almost exclusively the province of men. He had to do it. So he dutifully spanked me. Years later, he told me as an adult how much he hated it, and I knew that, because at some point he just quit the punishment. He simply let me suffer the consequences of my actions: I was being punished by my sins, not by my father.
And of course, the father in that story reminds me of God. The Bible is full of stories about God punishing people. And then there are endless stories—in both the Old and New Testaments—where God regrets his chastisement, where he vows never to do it again. Finally in the Gospels we meet, in Jesus, a God who withholds judgment, can’t condemn, refuses to punish—because people have already chosen enormous beating sticks, because people are already suffering.
I can’t explain it, but the God of the Bible ends up looking a lot like my Dad, a lot like Linda and Brenda’s father. He just doesn’t have it in him to use that stick we’ve chosen.
Thanks for the reflection on this story, David. It’s a gift to read how you see it, and how it reminded you of your own father. Peace, Johnna
When I commented on that powerful piece you wrote, I said I’d probably re-tell that beautiful story. Thanks for your inspiration.
Just now I saw a deity look down, look down in reverence into the heart of a middle-aged man in Yankton, praying: “May I be like Jerry.”
Yes—and Process Theology teaches us that God is always evolving, changing, adapting. So it’s possible for God to be moved and shaped by the actions, by the hearts of men and women. And of course we see that on page after page of the Old Testament, where people like Moses bargain with God and argue with God about his plans for punishment. And then—God changes his mind.
Process Theology. Surprisingly I never heard the term, or certainly didn’t/don’t know much about it. But I certainly can say “Amen” to it!
Well, I’m no expert in Process Theology–but I think it speaks to a God who is, like the universe of God’s creation, expanding, swirling, speeding, shifting, adapting, changing.
My Dad never spanked me that I can remember (and pretty sure I’d remember). Disappointing him was painful enough. I don’t think I ever considered spanking my children either (though now that I’m a 54 yr old with a 3 yr old she can drive me bonkers when she fights me on going to bed! I want to go to bed!!). Always seemed to me spanking was more about the spanker than the spankee.
Kind of unrelated but was reading in the NY Post the other day that the Netherlands is allowing more and more euthanasia at younger ages due to mental health anguish. Their example was a 28 yr old female physically healthy Dutch woman who suffers from crippling depression, autism, and borderline personality disorder. It’s really bothering me because I had 2 out 3 of those and found my way back on a long, strange journey. I’m not sure how anyone thinks this is a thoughtful decision.
https://nypost.com/2024/04/02/world-news/28-year-old-woman-decides-to-be-euthanized-due-to-mental-health-issues/
that’s the link to story don’t know if you can open or not but can cut and paste into browser. How can this be the answer?
Yes, the link works–and you’re right, it’s sad to see people deciding to end their lives. The autism element is a considerable challenge for a young woman, but depression and anxiety can be healed, as you experienced. I think we’re going to see more and more of this trend, as mental health deteriorates in first-world countries. Again, I don’t want to rule on any one person’s case, because I don’t want to blithely say that everyone’s illness–mental or physical–can be cured, and because all of these cases are complicated and nuanced. But overall, I believe we’re seeing more and more mental health issues as we get more and more detached from what is real and lasting and unmistakeable. That, it seems to me, is what prayer is really about–sitting in the presence of what is real and lasting and unmistakable. And learning to accept it, even when it’s not what we want or choose. But if you’re not given that path, then it’s hard not to end up in a place where it all seems like a giant mistake and you just want out.
Love the last sentence. Thanks for sharing the link to Johnna’s blog. I appreciate your writing and the perspectives of many who comment on your posts.
Yes, check out “A Pen & A Prayer”—Johnna’s a great thinker and writer.