Leaving Your Job, Finding Your Soul
When people find out you’re newly retired they often ask how you like it. I’ve tried to be honest and tell people it was hard for me. I thought that just because I knew all the pitfalls of over-identifying with your job—and then losing that total identity—I wouldn’t have to fall in that pit. But I did.
And it was a fortunate fall. It forced me to go back and ask one big question: If I over-identified with my job and my work as a pastor and priest, what other part of myself—my complete identity—had I neglected?
I’m still answering that question every day, but one thing has become clear: my sense of vocation or “calling” was too small. I tended, like most people, to think my calling was to a job. And since it was church work, it was easy to imagine that it was a “higher calling.” But pastoring, I can tell you, is no different than teaching or selling or plumbing or lawyering—if you think that job encompasses the fullness of your being, you’re living in one tiny corner of your soul’s vast expanse.
The end of my job sent me into a tailspin that lasted for a while. But the good thing about tailspins is, they take you down, deeper, where you need to be. The descent landed me with a jolt in a field of gold as far as my eye could see. I felt naked in the midst of something infinite. Welcome, said a voice, to your life.
It’s possible to reach that golden field before retirement, but since you only get there via tailspin, only those who’ve suffered some loss actually land there. It’s the place where you meet your soul, and you realize there’s more to you than the “life” you’ve cobbled together, more than the work you did and the title they gave you, and the commendations on your wall. All of that is good, even very good; it’s just too small.
I’m tempted to pretend that I know what to do in this great big field, tempted to give you three tips for finding the wideness of your soul. But I don’t know what I’m doing out here. I just know it’s starting to feel good and right. I imagine I’ll be exploring this field for days and days.
The incredibly limited myself has fallen away and the limitless my Self is present.
Funny how we shy away from the Big Self and find it more comfortable living inside that smaller version.
Thank you, David! Retirement was really hard for me, too but I love your final comment …”I imagine I’ll be exploring this field for days and days!” It is getting more and more enjoyable discovering the freedom of retirement and the delight if discovering my deeper self day by day.
This is so good, Anne—I just assumed you waltzed into retirement, and did it as beautifully as you do everything else. So thanks for the honesty.
When I start to over-identify with one facet of my identity or another – especially work identities – I try to remember this basic truth: no one can replace me, but someone else can do my work (and do it in wonderfully different ways!)…Thanks, David
I love that—will use that one day—no one can replace me, but someone else can do my work.
Yes indeed, Johnna. Like David says—I’ll be using that.
The comments are coming in, as usual.
This one we can all learn from, no matter where we are in respect to retirement. But the retirees—my guess is that every single one, I mean every single one, will go through this repositioning: the tailspin, the wandering in the great big field. And the re-discovery. That’s where I am. Right there with you, David.
I always thought other people have a glide path to retirement, and when that didn’t happen for me, I was sort of embarrassed to tell people. Was not sure I wanted to say it in this piece. But—glad I did.
David , thanks for this! This issues you identify are very common and are confronted by many if not all our contemporaries when they retire.
I believe one of the many keys to coping with retirement , is to find gravitas in some way. For me it has been taking on a teaching career. For my spouse , photography has helped her cope with the emptiness of retirement.
When we retire we miss the structure of work . We miss the daily lunches and coffee conversations. We miss the daily intellectual stimulation.
In essence we miss our friends the most .
Thanks, Tony—your honesty about the emptiness of retirement is much appreciated. That kind of honesty can lead to good and transformative actions.
Hi David, thanks for your thoughtful passage. I just retired on July 31 so thus far it feels like a long vacation. I’d like to come back to this in about a month or so with more observations.
Yes, there is a real high when you leave work and are on a long, long vacation. Have fun!