Why Am I My Own Worst Judge?
Some years ago, the Dove soap company created a video. At the time, a woman sent me the link because it seemed a profound demonstration of self-judgment. The video shows a forensic sketch artist, asked to draw a series of women based solely on their descriptions.
Seated at a drafting table with his back to his subject, he says, “I’m going to ask you a few questions about your appearance. Tell me about your chin.” The woman says, “It kind of protrudes a little bit, especially when I smile.” “Your jaw?” he asks. “My mom told me I had a big jaw.” And you see the artist’s pencil drawing that jaw line.
“What would be your most prominent feature?” he asks. “I kind of have a fat, rounder face.” Other subjects say, “The older I’ve gotten the more freckles I seem to have.” Or, “I would say I’ve got a pretty big forehead.” “Crow’s feet.” “Dark Circles.”
Now the artist draws another portrait, this time based on how other people describe the same woman.
Then the artist shows both portraits to each woman—older Black, young Asian, middle-aged White. “Based on your self-description, this is the first portrait I sketched. The second is based on how others saw you.” They stand there and look at the picture on the left, and we—the video audience—can see, this uglier version doesn’t look like them. The one on the right—from others’ description—is always more flattering, far more realistic in its simple beauty.
As the women look at their self-portrait, and then the other, some wipe away a tear. One says, “You know, we always think, if we can just make this little change, and make this a little smaller or a little bigger, or a little smoother…. then we’ll be beautiful. And…maybe that’s all wrong.”
Many people believe falsely that God judges us, which is why I love not John 3:16, but John 3:17. “For God did not send the Son into the world to judge the world.” Why? Because according to John 3:18, it was “already judged,” and God was not about to pile on. Who did all that judging? I think we know who.
Today’s Question:
Why am I my own worst judge?
Why is self-judgment so attractive to us—what need is it meeting?
Question #11, “Why Is Prayer Such a Struggle?” comes Sunday March 19
David, another gem!
The other day I was speaking on the topic of body dysmorphia, and dysphoria in general. I could have used this post. I will use this post!
One thing that moved me this morning was your reminder that, for many of us, self-judgment is appealing, alluring. It sounds absurd, but of course you’re right. And for me, that has been a liberating truth.
I’ve learned that when I catch myself, when I become aware of self-judgment (and that’s the key: awareness) I then have the power to choose. I can choose to take a deep breath, to smile, to pray: Dear God, dispel this toxicity. And now fill me with goodness. Fill me with the knowledge of your love, the knowledge of my family’s love, a boundless, unconditioned love.
When drawn to dysphoria I can, with God’s help, choose euphoria.
Thanks, David. You got my day off to a very good start.
That’s a beautiful prayer—“Dear God, dispel the toxicity. Now fill me with your goodness.”
David/Michael duo, love it – so well said by both of you. Maybe I have the opposite problem – guy yesterday told me I looked like a younger Donald Trump, ruined my day 😂
Hey Matt, not sure I understand what you mean by “the opposite problem.” My guess is we have the same problem. Sometimes I remember to release and replace the negative thoughts, but often I wallow a while, sometimes for hours. It may not ruin an entire day, but you get the point. And then, sometimes it’s much quicker, the rebound.
The question, “Why am I my own worst judge?” presumes that either I believe or I know that I am my own worst judge. I would say this is a better than fair presumption to make as I reckon the probability for this to be the case is very high.
While I can offer numerous examples of me being my own worst judge, in this moment I am not able to answer why I am my own worst judge. Perhaps, though, I can explain why I am unable to answer the question.
Long ago when I was being an identity considerably different than what I am being presently, there was an afternoon when I attended a workshop on marketing. Because of the position I held in the company I was in the employ of at the time, I was required to attend many workshops that addressed a diversity of subjects. In this particular workshop I’m recalling, the speaker was talking about relationships of cause and effect. To make a point he performed a demonstration where he crumbled up a piece of paper and closed his fist around it. He then outstretched his arm that held the wad of paper and asked the audience…”Now, you tell me, what is the cause and what is the effect.” At which point, his fist opened and the crumbled up paper dropped to the floor. Individuals in the audience responded Instantly identifying the hand opening as being cause and the paper falling to be the effect. After a short while it was clear that the initial identification of cause and effect, that had been immediately offered by a few eager members in the audience, was pretty much the consensus of the audience (including myself). The speaker then informed us, “No, you are mistaken. The hand opening was the point of effect. The point of cause was my decision to open my hand.” The speaker then elaborated on how source cause, because it was thought, could not be seen and that became a key point in his workshop about marketing that day. In any case, I would venture to say that the speaker’s demonstration pointing out the obvious that was not so obvious, was an “Ah ha moment” for the entire audience.
Note: what I became aware of in this workshop changed my life. For in this workshop I became aware of the obvious; that is, all doing comes from thinking.
From my perspective I consider that the act of judging whether it be me judging myself, me judging another, another judging me or others judging others, is the hand opening releasing the crumbled up paper. In other words, I consider that the act of judging is an effect and the cause of this effect is not to be found in the world of perception i.e., the world I perceive as being external to myself.
To answer why I am my own worst judge I have to turn my attention from the world outside of myself and look within. However, I do not look alone. I either ask my elder brother Jesus or the Holy Spirit to look with me for it is only through their vision and strength that I will be able to view the source of judging. At this point what I am shown is guilt. A deep, deep, guilt that is massive in scope and beyond my comprehension. It is guilt that is the source of all judging but guilt is also an effect of a source earlier on the chain.
David, you are asking some really profound questions! Each one opens a door to where all answers to all questions can be found. Thank you!
David, great post. this so squares with what I have learned in CoDA about low self esteem. we have a whole session and reading on it and one of the characteristics of low self esteem is that people: “Judge what they think, say, or do as never good enough”! But then we have a right-hand side of the page that says, “Accept myself as I am…”
Thanks for this!
Kay