I’ll Have What She’s Having
In a world that values the freedom to choose, it’s ironic that so many of us don’t know what we want. Even the things we “choose” turn out not to be our own choice.
Consider the little red car. It sits in the corner of the playroom and no one wants it—until one kid finds it and races it across the floor. Then, suddenly, every child wants the red car, and a war ensues. The French philosopher Rene Girard called this “mimetic desire.” “Man is the creature who does not know what to desire,” he wrote, “and he turns to others in order to make up his mind. We desire what others desire because we imitate their desires.”
In other words, our desires are not coming from our own minds, our own hearts—even when we’re convinced they are. They’re coming from outside ourselves, from what other people want. The most effective commercials don’t show us something to desire; they show us other people desiring something. They do this because they know about the little red car.
The task of the spiritual life, then, is to sit with and know our desires. It doesn’t take long, if we can quiet down for a bit, to see that most of our wants aren’t really ours. Which explains why getting that thing, having that experience, or taking that Instagramable trip didn’t make us happy.
It’s bold and audacious to say it, but God has planted in our hearts one ultimate desire, and that is to know and love God. When that ultimate love is in place, everything else falls into order around it. We don’t stop wanting the little red car, but we get a little better at recognizing that trap. We can keep coming back, in prayer, to center, to the Ultimate, in whose presence all other wants are purified.
We’ve been conditioned, however, to feel embarrassed about that ultimate desire. If you tell people you have one fervid longing: to know God, they may think you’re weird or “holier than thou.” That’s ok. You can just tell people you have one deep craving, and that is to know the Truth, to know—in its light—who you are and what you really want.
My parents thought that most people couldn’t tell a want from a need – and this caused unhappiness and an inability to choose what would bring joy rather than what might bring momentary pleasure (red car!). I think that was just a different way of saying what you just said so well. Thanks, David!
Wants vs Needs is another angle on this. It’s all about discernment, isn’t it. Knowing what the feeling is inside you. Wants aren’t bad, in fact, if our relationship to God is a love relationship, then we need a want, a desire. But that’s the sticking point, since we tend to want what others tell us to want.
Wonderfully clever choice of title, David.
Always the conundrum after you’ve written something. Now…what the dickens do I call this?
I misread, “The ‘task’ of the spiritual life, then, is to sit with and know our desires:” – as The “risk” of the spiritual life… Interesting. It actually is a risk to sort through our desires/wants (and everyone else’s) to know Truth, but we know it’s the only answer to that deep craving. It’s a risk with a high rate of return, but yet we still hesitate for lots of reasons. That’s why we practice.
That’s a great misread, a serendipitous mistake.